painless

nothing takes the edge off the pain
it’s felt like this before
I’ve tried all the usual things
and it’s only been dulled a bit
so I watch my own fingers
swim through the dust swirling light
forming words to explain
something that doesn’t quite make sense yet
like waking up after a vivid dream
but not remembering within seconds
I feel changed in some way
tainted by the pain
am I hallucinating
or has my body turned into a work of art sketched by Picasso, colored by Munch, sculpted by Man Ray
I don’t want anyone to see my eyes
because I don’t want the ensuing pity
I try to read some favorite chapters
but the words do tricks on the page
they spell different things than I remember
so I try to look out the window
but the layers of clouds are moving
in different directions
like before a big storm
but the sun’s rays still penetrate
so I close my eyes
but feel instantly trapped within myself
with thoughts of reds and drums and fire
and I want to scream
but like a drowning mime the thought of that sound hurts
the only thing now is to wait
for time will heal, right?

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